The one thing that completely changed my relationship with myself (Bonus: Part 4)

Hey there! 

This post is a BONUS to the 3 part series on self-awareness  - if you haven’t read the series, I encourage you to jump back and read those here before diving into this one.

Now let’s jump into my mind - yikes!

Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I never went on this journey of self-awareness,

I would wonder…how do I even know if this is helping? 

I’ll be honest; I didn’t know for a while, but coming out the other side and looking back at where I was has been so amazingly grounding. 

I hope that reading my story will inspire you to explore your own. 

For me, the journey to self-awareness came through a season of overwhelm and fog. It came from feelings of shame and hopelessness, presented as BIG emotions. 

It came from being very unaware of what my body was telling me and therefore being knocked down again and again worse every time.

For too long, I was unaware of the symptoms of anxiety.

I was ignoring the physical signs of distress. 

I was burnt out. 

I was running from shame.

I  was in denial.

Then it all caught up to me

We live our minutes, days, and years as if we have no choice.

We crumble at difficult decisions, and we feel pain, mentally and physically. 

We don’t know how to alleviate it

We torture ourselves by ignoring the signs, eventually leading to a breaking point. 

For years, I thought something was wrong with me. 

And once, someone very close to me even told me something was wrong.

I thought my emotions were broken, but I just had nowhere for them to go, and I didn’t understand what was going on.

When I felt overwhelmed, I would lash out. 

Overwhelmed by regret, overwhelmed by my to-do list, overwhelmed by the expectations of others, and sometimes overwhelmed by fear.

Sadly, these big feelings often ended up projecting toward people close to me, people I love the most in this life.

I can pinpoint exact moments that still make me cringe. 

My emotions were running so high, and I had no idea how to control my reactions.

I had no tools, and in my mind, I had no choice.

Afterward, I retreated…feeling shameful about it all.

It still happens occasionally, and I know what it is…and I’ve given it a name. 

For many years, this is how it went…I was stuck with these big emotions that made me feel broken.

Then, one day, I found myself driving on the highway, suddenly feeling as though my mind was no longer attached to my body.

I was on a highway I had driven on many items before, with seemingly no change to trigger this feeling.

I couldn’t move, I couldn’t change lanes, I couldn’t even pull over.

All I could do was hope that it would pass.

It took me to that point, almost ten years after my first memory of these big emotions, to realize that anxiety was a resident in my mind, whether I liked it or not. 

It took daily panic attacks for the next several days to realize I had to do something because I wasn’t functional.

From that point, I started a journey to learn about anxiety from all angles and empower myself for the rest of my life.

What I didn’t know is that self-awareness would become a huge part of this and would open doors to places I didn’t even know existed. 

Self-awareness is the reason you’re reading this blog right now. Without it, I wouldn’t have known this was something my heart wanted to do. I would have continued down the road which everyone told me I should

For me, a pivotal moment was when I started to learn that I had choices in these moments. 

Those chest pains, outbursts, and breakdowns - they weren’t a sign of a weak person - they were a sign of anxiety, a sign that I needed to SLOW DOWN.

It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I realized this and started to befriend this part of my mind.

Self-awareness has given me the ability to ask, “What is happening? Why am I reacting this way?” and to have grace with myself in the answers.

It is the ability to deeply understand yourself in a way that no one else on this earth can know you. Knowing yourself is the key to creating the life you want to live.

If it weren’t for self-awareness, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have this business, full-time job, or even be writing this blog.

I don’t know where it will take me yet, but I know it will be somewhere pure and genuine because I now know what will make me feel that way.

I am not perfect - there are days when my big emotions still get the best of me - but I am so proud and happy that I have given myself this gift. I’ve given myself permission to do the things that light my soul up, and I wouldn’t have been ab;e to do that without self-awareness.

To end this series, I wanted to leave you with something tangible and emotional. This was a SUPER vulnerable post for me.

But if it stops one person from going through the unnecessary guilt of having a mental illness, it will be beyond worth it. 

This journey won’t be easy, but I’m here with you. 

The more we talk about our emotions, the easier it will be for others to share. 

I’m here if you ever need to talk. We got this!